I took the pregnancy test alone at my house and read it wrong right away. After a second look (and a third, and a fourth...), I sat on my couch with my dog and had a million thoughts. The first of which were, "how am I going to finish my Ph.D.?" And "When am I going to finish my dissertation?" And "What will people in my program say?" Yes, my first thoughts about my little baby centered around academia. I honestly can't say I was happy in those first few moments. I was excited in a weird, nervous, and scared way. And I couldn't wait to tell my husband and share the news with him. But I couldn't help but to fear the impact this baby would have on my academic and career goals. The program already takes at least 4 years plus an internship. A baby would not only set me back, but possibly make this not possible...right? I had so many questions. Becoming a licensed school psychologist pretty much means the world to me and the thought of one kid preventing me from helping many other ones made me really sad. Call me callous, but these were my true thoughts. After B came home and we were able to celebrate and bounce our thoughts off each other, I felt a little better, but really the initial shock didn't wear off for weeks. Until the shock wore off, and until I spoke to my academic advisor about the pregnancy (which was weeks before I told my own mother, that's how bothered I was), can I say I was completely "okay" with being pregnant. I was always some level of excited and eager, but genuine happiness and okayness took a while.
So, the lesson of my story is, when people find out they're pregnant, they aren't always devasatated or elated, like in the movies. I'm willing to guess people often lie somewhere in between, which was the case for me. And I think that's perfectly okay. By the way, I'm going to finish school just fine. I even made all A's this past semester (and that's whilst enduring the terrible thing known as the first trimester, which included feeling like I'd been hit by a bus all day long and consistent "morning" (read: it can happen way more often than in the morning) sickness.) So everything on that end is gravy.
Clearly, I am now in the happy phase. Being pregnant has changed my life in innumerable ways. If you read this blog, you may have noticed I curbed my spending habits drastically. The abstaining from online shopping thing helped, and I didn't even really shop in actual stores and stuff for a while. Once taking care of another life is evident, designer clothes recede in importance. I've bought a few pairs of shoes lately, mainly because I'm feeling frumpy and stout and needed to feel better about my figure. It worked :o). And don't get me wrong, I'm still me. Rebecca Minkoff makes a mean baby bag, afterall. It's just that I don't bother buying clothes right now since they won't fit anyway, and I've eased up on the accessories end too. It's simply the practical thing to do.
Anyway, B and I also kicked up our game in searching for a house and found a beauty. We are set to close by the end of the month and I will post pictures. It's truly a dream come true. It's so beautiful. I can't wait to post pictures of it. We're renovating one side and will be living there starting sometime in September. And now that I've outed myself, I can indulge in posting my maternity wear finds and baby gear. So posts should be coming more frequently and will be of more substance. So check back! And thanks for reading :o)
Congratulations! I am so happy for you and B, but am also happy about your honesty in this post. Great job writing it, and for coming to terms with your life changes. I'll look forward to more of your posts as you find maternity goods :)
ReplyDelete<3 hooray so cute to read this today! it's public, hot mama! you and B are going to be such cool and awesome parents!
ReplyDeletei'm sending you something today!
ReplyDelete" the thought of one kid preventing me from helping many other ones made me really sad"
ReplyDeleteWow. How poignant. Two thoughts:
First, this comment is an indicator that you have some wonderful perspective to bring to parenting and your child. When they find out that they are going to be parents, so many people who have previously cared very much about the world around them immediately shift into whatever-is-best-for-MY-child-and-forget-everybody-else mode. While certainly being parents means that we should care deeply about what's best for our children, we also need to maintain our concern and commitment to the well-being of all children. This kind of thinking, and the actions that come with it, will also help our children to learn to be loving, unselfish people who care about others. I know that all of the things that you thought and felt were complicated, but I'm giving you a standing ovation for including thoughts of the impact on other children in the mix of your early thoughts about your coming child.
Second, while it sounds like your pursuit of your PhD and your professional dreams are wonderfully alive and well, I'll share that I've experienced this kind of frustration every day of my life as a parent. It was very important to me that my getting married and my having children would not make me circle the wagons and devote my full attention to me and mine. I wanted to continue to be outwardly focussed and have our family life and activities make a positive impact on those outside of it. With three little ones, I've found it really hard to live out this dream. While I'm still fighting the fight, I'm constantly frustrated with how limited I feel by my little ones' naps, feeding schedules, bedtimes, etc., etc., to consider. I've had to adjust my vision some. On one hand, I'm trying to push our family to be what I'd hoped. On the other hand, I've had to broaden my perspective and understand that there are different seasons in life. While it's hard to do everything that I'd like to be doing right now, perhaps the good sleep, nutrition, attention, discipline, etc., as little ones will make them (and us) more able to be positive members of the community when they are older. My hope and prayer for you is that you'll find a great balance in being faithful to your needs, the needs of your baby, and the needs of others.
Your kid is going to be awesome.
You're going to be fine. Stop worrying so much!
ReplyDelete-Jim
You are so courageous to publish your thoughts. I wanted to give you a big hug after the second paragraph. Your son will have so much love in his life.
ReplyDeleteDes